Your Brother Daniel
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Waiting for God, even through the Tears
Thirty five years ago, a young man made an altar call. He
was very troubled about his new life in Christ and prayed:
- Lord,
I’m willing to serve you, but I just don’t see how I can. I don’t have any
desire to serve. It all seems too burdensome to me.
He made this same altar call on numerous occasions. Not only
didn’t he have the desire to serve, but he also felt entirely alienated from
other Christians. They seemed to think differently than he. Their experiences
didn’t match his own. It felt as if he occupied an entirely different world
from theirs.
This also contributed to his sense of isolation from Jesus
and his doubts that he was even saved. All of this tormented him, and he
wondered why his new found Savior wasn’t answering his prayers. Was there
something irremediably wrong with him?
He was sure that there was. He had suffered from years of
depression and panic attacks, and it therefore seemed that either God really
didn’t love him that much or that He couldn’t do anything about his weaknesses.
However, imperceptibly, things began to change. Jesus told a
parable about growth. He compared it to seeds that grow by themselves without
the knowledge and assistance of the farmer (Mark 4:26-28). It didn’t matter
whether the farmer remained awake or asleep, this mysterious growth would
continue. And it has!
Surprisingly, now there is nothing I’d rather do than to
serve my God. I am consumed by this endeavor. Every joy I have is somehow
connected to this occupation. Every hope is enslaved by it. However, this
doesn’t mean that I no longer have struggles. In fact, He continues to give
growth to His seed through my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9-10), even my
incomprehension (2 Cor. 4:1-11).
Consequently, I remain a man of many weaknesses. I struggle
with my highly negative, irritable, critical, anxious and angry nature. This
hasn’t made me easy to live with; nor has it made me the ideal husband. For
years I’ve prayed that I wouldn’t be so negative towards my wife and instead
cherish her as the precious gift God had given me.
Oddly, I’d feel very tender and warm towards her when we
were apart, even for a few hours. She would appear so lovely to me. But when
we’d reconnect, I’d find that the spell had been broken, and I was helpless to
change this.
However, the seed of God’s planting continued to grow and
the warm glow I’d experience when we were apart began to invade our times
together.
How could such a thing happen? Certainly not by my
manipulations! It happened as I sleep; it grew even as I doubted.
Why do I write about this now? To
glorify our Savior and to pass onto you the encouragement of the Psalmist:
- As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look
to the Lord our God, till he
shows us his mercy. (Psalm 123:2)
Just wait for Him! Praise the
Lord!
- You
immediately understood that if there is a God who loves you, He also has
expectations for you, and we want to remain the captain of our own ship.
The explanation hit home. She recognized that she had been
fleeing from God. Her discomfort was the background radiation.
We live paradoxical lives because we prefer paradox to an
encounter with a morally demanding, sometimes even punitive God.
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